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Author Topic: Bert's Rants/Rambles  (Read 2828 times)

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Bert

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Bert's Rants/Rambles
« on: February 22, 2015, 05:41:36 pm »
Nickelback Suck
I know I'm beating a dead horse, but I've been wanting to make this topic for a while now, so I decided to go with a topic everyone can relate to.

The '90s was responsible for killing off the commercialization of metal music nearly entirely to make way for the less entertaining grunge genre, which college stoners eagerly adopted to sound "deep" and "poetic." Pick a one-word title, give it some abstract lyrics, make it depressing, and enjoy your hit single. Or, if you were Alice in Chains, actually be interesting.

...Or, if you were giftedly talentless, do it horribly, terribly wrong.

Originally called the much more fitting "Village Idiots," Nickelback has become of Canada's most successful rock bands for...some reason. Not even their fans know why. They also scored a record deal with Roadrunner Records, arguably a haven for metal and rock bands. I can just taste the salty tears of other up-and-coming bands who screamed to the Heavens when some dork playing generic post grunge riffs scored the deal of a lifetime. The fact that Americans are familiar with Nickelback's garbage instead of the jaunty, sing-a-longable (totally a word) songs of The Trews prove how shitty people's judgement is.

Here's Nickeback's signature song, "How You Remind Me".

And here's The Trews' signature song, "Not Ready to Go".

Guess which band will be able to retire comfortably in the next ten years?

Hint: It's not the one that actually gives a f**k about making listenable music.

I could forgive Nickelback's complete lack of originality and innovation if it weren't for the fact they take pride in their relentless mediocrity. Hey, Chad, wanna know how you can get people to stop saying "Nickelback sucks?" STOP SUCKING. You might have to dissolve the band to do it, but that's a small price to pay since you're clearly not in it for the music.

Do you know what the worst part is? Critics actually support these uninspired assholes. Not all of them obviously, but the ones who do are an interesting breed. To quote an AllMusic review of their album Silver Side Up:

Quote
"what gives the group an upper hand over its peers is intensity and raw passion... Nickelback ups the ante by offering realistic storytelling that listeners can relate to."
Source.

What exactly is "realistic storytelling?" "I made millions ripping off AC/DC, KISS, Scorpions, and every other rock band, but it's OK because I do it in drop-D tuning?" Get bent. There is nothing "real" about Nickelback's music. Everything they've done has been done before. At best, they're unoriginal. At worst, they're a plague upon music.

If you see a Nickelback fan in public, punch them.

MissingNoGuy55

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Re: Bert's Rants/Rambles
« Reply #1 on: February 22, 2015, 07:15:17 pm »
Well it's pretty obvious a shitty band that signs with a popular record label is going to get more air time/money than someone who does it in their spare time because they like it. That's capitalism in a nutshell, or more the case for music. It's an easy ticket if you can do it, unfortunately.

I will forever mock the songs because of how hilariously bad they are along with the band. When you hear "LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH" it's hard not to cause of how whiny it sounds.

Bert

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Re: Bert's Rants/Rambles
« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2015, 08:52:17 pm »
The Trews most certainly do not make music in their spare time. They've released 5 albums since 2003 and a few EP's, and most, maybe all of their singles have charted in Canada.

My point was that trash like Nickelback broke into new markets with no effort while being as uncreative as possible, but The Trews, a band who have their own identity, have had shitty luck even getting radio play in the U.S.

"Rockstar" was amazing, if only because the band completely missed their own point, which was supposedly about how tough it is to be a rock star. That's a special kind of retarded.

Zowayix

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Re: Bert's Rants/Rambles
« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2015, 10:25:57 pm »
TBH that The Trews thing was pretty s**t too.


I need a new siggy, because this siggy is shitty... shittiggy... shiggy.... something.

blahpy

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Re: Bert's Rants/Rambles
« Reply #4 on: February 23, 2015, 05:49:37 am »
My favourite artists are ones who no one has ever even heard of.  Coincidence?  I think not...

Zowayix

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Re: Bert's Rants/Rambles
« Reply #5 on: February 23, 2015, 10:49:15 am »
My favourite artists are ones who no one has ever even heard of.  Coincidence?  I think not...

No one at all? Even the artists themselves? That I'd like to see.


I need a new siggy, because this siggy is shitty... shittiggy... shiggy.... something.

blahpy

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Re: Bert's Rants/Rambles
« Reply #6 on: February 23, 2015, 02:36:53 pm »
My favourite artists are ones who no one has ever even heard of.  Coincidence?  I think not...

No one at all? Even the artists themselves? That I'd like to see.

You win.

I should correct it to "almost no one".
« Last Edit: February 23, 2015, 02:37:28 pm by blahpy »

Bert

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Re: Bert's Rants/Rambles
« Reply #7 on: February 24, 2015, 04:32:15 pm »
I'm Gonna Trigger You and Get Away With It
A mental trigger is defined as:
-A word, phrase, sentence, scenario, etc. that causes someone to have a flashback to and/or remember their trauma. (Source)

It is not defined as:
-Someone pointing out that you're spewing truckloads of bullshit and deserve to be called a dumbass for it.

Triggers are highly personal things. And like everything else that shouldn't be taken lightly, you can always count on the self-absorbed cesspool known as Tumblr to make sure nobody takes it seriously ever again.

Part of the reason the phrase lost all meaning overnight is because Tumblr...ites? Tumblretards? Whatever. The narcissistic hivemind that calls itself a website has taken it upon itself to politely (read: as insensitively as possible/y) remind you of their 'triggers,' of which they have many. So many, in fact, that calling them out on being total shitheads is enough to have the whole community rain down on you in a fury of concentrated idiocy.

Saying the words I disagree will quickly get thousands upon thousands of TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!1!!111!ONEONEELEVEN!!11!'s shoved down your throat. Here lies the crux of the problem: Tumblr's 'woe-is-me' community has gotten it in their heads that everyone is conspiring against them, similar to how Anita Sarkeesian twisted whatever the f**k Gamergate was about (I don't know nor care, don't even think about PM'ing me and telling me what it is) into some imagined plot against her. It's all in their heads, but they've been conditioned to believe it's A-OK to make a touchy phrase all about themselves.

It's called a victim complex, and they're very good at it. Good job, assholes. You managed to completely destroy the credibility of people with actual triggers, all because you wanted to be special. To hell with people who've actually been traumatized, we all need to hear you b***h and moan about that time someone bumped into you on the street and didn't say sorry 0.00001 seconds after doing so.

If anyone here knows somebody who's gone through a traumatic experience, I encourage you to help them through it. If anyone here knows somebody who screams "TRIGGER WARNING!!1" because their fries weren't as salty as they like, tear them a new one. Unlike Nickelback's fans, who are just dumb and don't know any better, these people deserve it.

Zowayix

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Re: Bert's Rants/Rambles
« Reply #8 on: February 25, 2015, 12:33:46 am »
Step 1: Create Tumblr account
Step 2: Tell people feminism is your trigger
Step 3: ????
Step 4: PROFIT!


I need a new siggy, because this siggy is shitty... shittiggy... shiggy.... something.

blahpy

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Re: Bert's Rants/Rambles
« Reply #9 on: February 25, 2015, 05:13:25 am »


edit: double the fun cause this is GCLF and pomegranates are the glitchiest fruit
« Last Edit: February 25, 2015, 05:15:06 am by blahpy »

MissingNoGuy55

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Re: Bert's Rants/Rambles
« Reply #10 on: February 25, 2015, 06:33:19 am »
Never forgetti the pomegranetti
« Last Edit: February 25, 2015, 11:31:46 am by MissingNoGuy55 »

Yuzihax

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Re: Bert's Rants/Rambles
« Reply #11 on: February 25, 2015, 12:07:55 pm »
Never forgetti the pomegranetti
welp i think we can close down this part of the board now, we're done, we've reached our maximum of s**t like this.

Bert

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Re: Bert's Rants/Rambles
« Reply #12 on: February 25, 2015, 03:44:06 pm »
Never forgetti the pomegranetti

And with this post, GCLF completed its mission.

We can only find elysium from here.

Bert

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Re: Bert's Rants/Rambles
« Reply #13 on: March 04, 2015, 04:45:22 pm »
My Interview with the Blue Apatosaur from Mario Kart
The other day I was on an acid trip when I found myself in a jungle home to some gigantic lizards. That's right folks, I've already run out of things to whine about so here's some nonsensical bullshit instead. Once and for all, I prove that I have way, way, way too much time to kill.

In this tell-all interview, the dinosaur, named Pat, gives some insight into his life, his time in Dino Dino Jungle, and his time as an actor and musician..

Bert: So I heard you might be playable in the next Mario Kart game. Is that true?

Pat: I'm pretty sure that's false. Where'd you hear that rumor?

Bert: My dad works at Nintendo. He's John Nintendo.

Pat: Does he have a boyle on his face like Lemmy?

Bert: No, that's John GameFreak. My dad is part shark.

Pat: Then no, I've never met John Nintendo. That's quite a rumor though, and I think it'd be cool to race. But it's probably not going to happen. I'm a little on the large side.

Bert: Yeah, you're a pretty big guy.

Bane: For you.

Bert: What kind of kart would you drive?

Pat: A big rig. One of those things that would ruin everyone's day if it breaks down on the highway. It'd have s**t stats and flame decals on it, because I'm retro.

Bert: So, tell me aboot yourself. Where'd that horn on your snout come from? Are you stuck to just standing and sleeping by the bridge all the time? Is Dino Dino Jungle a cool place to live?

Pat: My dad was a regular ol' Apatosaurus and me mum was a Triceratops. They met during the construction of the wooden bridge you're currently standing on. Anyway, one night the two of them

and then 9 months later, I was born. That's why I have a horn.

No, I'm free to go anywhere else in the jungle, but due to my size it can be difficult. Sometimes I like to hang out around the geysers, and I have to take the long way 'round into the cave. It's a chore occasionally. I only need to be near the bridge if a race is happening, otherwise I can do whatever I want.

Yeah, it's definitely a cool place to live! I'm millions of years old and I still find new treasures scattered around here and there. Never a dull moment. There's more to it than the racers are allowed to see, like the coordinates to Shangri Latlantisorado I showed you earlier. We don't have to worry about tyrannosaurs or the like showing up, because the only surviving carnivore is Yoshi. Sometimes we dinosaurs have our own races and play games like Capture the Flag or regular ol' Tag. Food and water are bountiful, so we're pretty much set!

Bert: What do you like to do for fun? What's your passion?

Pat: I play extras in dinosaur movies. Can I tell you a dirty little secret?

Bert: Hell yes.

Pat: All those brachiosaurs you see in the Jurassic Park movies? Those are me. They ran out of money convincing Jeff Goldblum to appear in the first one, so I was hired to do the brachiosaurus shots. Sure, they digitally added the brachiosaurus over me, but it was still a cool experience. I gave those two dorks rides on my back.

Bert: Jospeh Mazello and Arianna Richards?

Pat: No, Samuel L. Jackson and Wayne Knight.

Bert: Man, that's cool! What else have you been in?

Pat: I was the Apatosaurus from The Lost World. Y'know, the silent movie. Back then, it wasn't possible to do all the fancy shmancy editing we can now. So before I got into costume, I downed a glass of liquid lightning bolts to shrink and fit into it. That was all I ate and drank during filming, and it wasn't until 1931 I grew back to my normal size. Those two movies were the highlights of my career.

Bert: While preparing for this interview, I came across a certain album on eBay [Pat grunts], called Songs from Prehistoria. How come you never released another record?

Pat: To be honest, I was deeply ashamed of Prehistoria. I met Lyor Cohen - then head of the Def Jam Island Music Group label - at a function I performed at. He found the idea of a dinosaur playing guitar endearing, and he asked me, "How would you like to make a record?" At the time I'd made a few homemade cassettes of my music, so I figured, "why not?" I told him it would be nothing like what he released before but he didn't mind.

Prehistoria's entire premise was the novelty behind its idea, which its promoters emphasized to the point where it wasn't even about the music. The album did get positive reviews, but I wasn't thrilled about promoting it, because sponsors wanted to make a ridiculous stage show featuring fireworks, detailed canvasses, and a finale where I'd ride off the stage on a meteor. All that, even for one show, cost more money than had been printed. I instead chose to perform at smaller venues that were cost effective, but neither the sponsors nor label liked that and ceased promotion of Prehistoria after I'd played 50 shows. It was fun while it lasted, so that was something. It's grown on me in recent years, so it is very possible I'll release another record, but independently.

Bert: If you do, I'd love to hear it. Prehistoria was a fun little folk record.

Pat: I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Bert: Well, I s'pose I'll be on my way. I gotta go yell at clouds now.

Pat: Yes, clouds really can be a nuisance. Take care, Bert!

Bert: You too, Pat!
« Last Edit: March 04, 2015, 04:58:36 pm by Bert »